#bobblog #columbusyouphuker #randomthoughts
When I was a kid, Christopher Columbus was pretty cool. Hell, he discovered America! This guy threw caution to the wind, hopped in a ship and took off to find "America". I think he landed somewhere around Boston. We had a nice little poem about him and his three ships that helped me pass the Columbus exam. Oh, and we got a day off school to celebrate! What's not to love.
Well, much like the use of seatbelts, the mosquito fogger and the "just be home before the streetlight comes on" rule, times have changed. In recent years some ugly truths about Columbus have surfaced so I thought it may be time to dig in a little and see what all the fuss is about.
What I've learned is a few things.
One, everything I thought I knew about Columbus is a web of lies! I blame the unfortunate combination of a low IQ and public schooling. Finding out the truth hurts. It's a deep hurt. Like a Milli Vanilli lip sync scandal hurt...girl, you know it's true. Oh, and I'm sure I am the only person in America who didn't know the ugly truths but just in case here's a quick rundown. His real name is Cristoforo Columbo; he was looking for Japan; he never stepped foot on any of the 50 states; and he obviously didn't "discover" anything. He basically went on vacation to the Bahamas.
Two, Christopher Columbus was a douche bag. Martin Alonso, the captain of the Pinta, was the first to see land and fired a signal to note his discovery. Later, Columbus maintained that he had already seen a light on the land a few hours earlier...yeah, that's the ticket...I saw...I saw a light...yeah...like 2 hours ago...I just didn't want to wake anyone up. And on top of being a liar, he was a very nasty man. A recently discovered report by Francisco de Bobadilla alleges that Columbus regularly used torture and mutilation to govern. It says he that he punished a man for stealing corn by cutting off his ears and nose and then sold him into slavery. The report also says he paraded the dismembered bodies of uncooperative natives in the streets. Sounds like it would have been a better fit for him to have "discovered" the Middle East. In all fairness, there are some who feel that the facts of Francisco's report may not be entirely accurate, given that the end game was Francisco put Columbus and his bros in jail and took over his job. But here's what we do know about Columbus. He took made natives accompany him back from his first trip to "prove" he found the new world; he enslaved natives; he gave a Bahaman women to his friend who in turn beat her with a rope until she allowed him to rape her. So yeah, we have that.
Three, It's time to make a change! Currently 23 states and Washington D.C. recognize Columbus Day as a holiday. Why? Why are we honoring this idiot with a holiday? I'll ask the same question I ask every four years when I see the primary's, is this really the best we can come up with? I mean come on people, there is some pretty amazing shit going on every day. We can come up with someone more worthy. If not, America loves a reason to party, so let's just change it from the second Monday in October to the second Friday, call it Octoberfest and let's all drink some beer and toast the Natives in the Caribbean who had to put up with that phuker.
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