I don't snore...

#idon'tsnore  #bobblog  #randomthoughts


If you find me dead in bed...it was my wife!

Although I'm definitely on the back nine of life, I still try.  I work out a little.  And by "work out" I mean lift some baby weights (It's all about reps, man); do a little running on the treadmill (Actually it's more like acting. I mean if I lessened the bounce in my step and quit moving my arms, I'm pretty sure I could walk at the same pace but "running" two miles sounds a lot edgier than "walking" two miles); and take the occasional bike ride (Though I think this shouldn't really count. Based on the folks I see riding on the bike trail, it doesn't look like it's working. Or maybe they are just using the trail as a back way to get to Culver's.  And what's up with those people on the recumbent bikes.  It's like a big middle finger to the people who think they are working out.  "Look at me, bitch. I just passed you up and I'm laying down. Hahahaha".  

Anyway, although it's up for interpretation, I do work out a little.  I try to stay somewhat fashion forward (In the Midwest, this just means that you haven't incorporated your sweatpants into your "goin' out" wardrobe).  And I try to stay relevant to pop culture.  But when I fall asleep, things go downhill fast. 

Word on the street is that I have some serious issues in the snoring department.  And over the years I have somehow worked a few different methods of snoring into my repertoire.  Like the basic chainsaw method was getting stale so I mix in the geyser once in a while. 

What I'm finding out, is that over the years, this little idiosyncrasy has gone from palatable to what seems to be a burning hatred in my wife's belly.  Much like the path of a triggered serial killer, my wife's remedies for my snoring have started to escalate and do so at a rapid rate. 

Last Fall her approach was very passive.  She bought me Breathe Right strips to wear at night.  Those worked for a while but like a stubborn strain of influenza, my body became immune to the strips and we were back at square one.  Maybe a can wear the rest of them on my power runs!

When the strips quit working she went to the wiggle method.  She would convulse her body in bed like she was having some type of epileptic seizure, in hopes that this would disrupt my sleep and cause me to roll over and stop the madness for a bit.  If her wiggling didn't do the trick, she would wiggle my pillow.  Fairly effective...for a while.

In the last two weeks, shit has gotten real.  Things are no longer passive.  There have been punches in the face with pillows.  There have been "alleged" slaps to the face and head (she vehemently denies these attacks, but I know what's up) and most recently there was an incident that can only be described as an attempt to smother me with my own stinky pillow (Yeah, kind of stinky.  I think it's a drooling problem because I can't breath so good out of my nose. But that's a whole different set of night problems). 

So anyway, I'm not sure how this adventure is going to end.  But I want to go on the record and say, if they report that "he passed peacefully in his own bed, what a great way to go", chances are there was a struggle and you will find some of my wife's DNA under my fingernails.  But I don't want to press charges.  I owe her some solid nights of rest.